It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn three times why the U-Haul is not your getaway vehicle, which has got to be at least four more times than Florida Man ever figured it out. Plus a rip-current hero, and the best place for doughnuts in Indiana.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man accused of stealing from Fairfield Stop & Shop, leading police on a chase
Give Florida Man credit for having the foresight to rent a U-Haul for what must have been a massive shoplifting scheme. But then he also decided to use the U-Haul as his escape vehicle.
So Florida Man and his buddy filled a couple of Fairfield, Conn. Stop & Shop carts with items they had no intention of paying for, but for whatever reason decided to flee without their nearly-stolen goods. They were spotted hopping in the U-Haul and taking off, then flipped around when police tried to pull them over.
They got on I-95 but somehow the police were able to track the GIANT ORANGE AND WHITE SLOW-MOVING VEHICLE and stopped by state troopers in Stanford.
There is so much wrong with this report that I can literally only barely even.
First: Why did they leave the carts and the stuff behind?
News reports: [shrug emoji]
Second: Who called the cops on guys who apparently didn't steal anything?
News reports: [shrug emoji]
Third: "Police said Florida Man was taken into custody and released on a promise to appear."
Connecticut court system: [shrug emoji]
But don't you worry, gentle Florida Man Friday reader — we're just getting started on the U-Haul stories this week.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: You Fled in THAT?, You Can Take the Man Out of Florida..., Police Chase, Vehicular Madness, Face/Neck Tattoos, Criminal Mastermind, Glamor Mugshot, and two Demerits (one for the lousy reporting and another goes to the Connecticut court). (9)
TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Don't try that stuff back home in Florida, Florida Man.
You Fled There in That Thing?
Florida deputies chase ‘LEGO bandit’ in U-Haul
I ran this one a couple of weeks ago as a Bonus Florida Headline item, having failed to notice it deserved a full FMF writeup. And during the perfect collection of stories, too.
As we learned a couple of weeks ago, there's an organized Lego theft ring in Florida. I can think of a couple of reasons for that. One is that as a parent I assure you those things are worth their weight in gold. But the more important reason is that they're also so freakin' cool.
But here's what we didn't know back then.
Florida Man is wanted in at least three Lego thefts going back to August 18, but the third one is when things got weird: "He allegedly tried to steal 12 LEGO sets, but was confronted by Walmart asset protection employees and fled in a U-Haul truck he had parked outside."
More:
Sheriff’s office dashboard camera footage shows deputies chasing the truck as it drove “in an erratic and dangerous manner” on a highway, according to the post. The chase ended in Fernandina Beach, when the truck entered a parking lot and a pursuing deputy used his patrol vehicle to pin the truck against a tree.
You might be shocked to learn that police also found drugs, and hopefully one of those cool little Lego separator tools. They're invaluable, trust me.
SCORE: Police Chase, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Surveillance Video, Dashcam, Resisting Arrest, You Fled in THAT?, Crime Spree, Criminal Mastermind, Walmart/Target/Dollar General, Dillhole., and a Demerit to me for missing this one the first time around. (12)
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: The Middle Kingdom's Middle Income Trap
I Swear to You This Is Three Different Guys
Florida Man Injures Three Deputies After Driving U-Haul Through Several Lawns
Florida Man spent a lovely Tuesday morning the way so many of us do, cruising across Gulf Breeze suburban lawns in a U-Haul.
So the police showed up and had a nice little chat with Florida Man after pulling him over, but although the report doesn't say, apparently he lost interest in whatever the police had to say — because he floored it and injured a couple of deputies, and another during the pursuit.
At least that's my guess, given once again the paucity of details in the so-called news report.
Grrr.
We do know for sure that Florida Man managed to ram a police car during the chase, resulting in one of the injuries. Then he lost control of the U-Haul — seriously, they're terrible get-away cars — and fled on foot a short distance before what assumes was a vigorous tackle by police.
He's up on all the charges.
SCORE: You Fled in THAT?, Police Chase, Vehicular Madness, Resisting Arrest, Should Have Taken the L, Dillhole, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida lovebirds busted for firing off guns while drinking
I thought this was America.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong, Just Visiting Edition
Detroit man posing as Shipt Shopper tasered at Target in The Villages
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're visiting The Villages from back home in Detroit minding your own business spending a lazy afternoon shoplifting a couple Nintendo Switches from this Target they got where they just put stuff out on the shelves instead of all locked up like in Detroit so you got this plan where you pretend like you're one of those Shipt Shoppers who pick stuff up for rich people who pay for their own iPhones and stuff so you got these fake barcodes that let you just pick up the Switches from guest services like somebody paid for them but it turns out one of those loss prevention jerks recognizes you from an alert sent out from this other Florida Target you ripped off so when you walk out the door with your free Nintendos where there's this cop just waiting for you so you drop the Switches and take off running which is when the cop tries to tase you but misses and you're laughing pretty hard to yourself at him but he shoots again and hits you right in the glutes and that isn't funny because not only do you have this electric needle in your butt but your muscles all lock up and you hit the ground hard and get real scuffed up which is why in your mugshot you look like a real Florida Man?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: The Villages, Tasered/Pepper Sprayed/Rubber Bullet, Surveillance Video, Fleeing the Scene, Criminal Mastermind, Crime Spree, Should Have Taken the L, Entrepreneurship, Walmart/Target/Dollar General, Impersonation, Glamor Mugshot. (11)
RUNNING TOTAL: 39 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Martin County employee rescues girl from rip current at Stuart beach
Whew:
Amy Offenbach, who came to the beach to surf, said the day took an unexpected turn.
"It was just by chance that we were here and thank God that we were at the right time," Offenbach said.
Offenbach, who has years of lifeguard training, said her instincts kicked in when she saw three girls struggling in the water.
"I took off my clothes, grabbed the board, and started paddling," she said. "I immediately went into rescue mode."
Authorities said one of the girls was choking on water, and the beach had no lifeguards on duty. Offenbach rushed in to help, using a surfboard to stabilize the girl.
"Once she was on the board, she was kind of limp. Her body wasn't doing anything else," Offenbach said.
Maybe that's when some people can't hold it together, but not Amy: "Offenbach said the girl's forehead felt cold, prompting her to rush the child to the nearest lifeguard stand down the road. The girl was then taken to the hospital with minor drowning injuries."
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Water Hazard. (4)
RUNNING TOTAL: 43 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Would You Give This Man Your Passwords?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 43 points for another impressive average of 8.6.
Meanwhile, in Indiana...
A 67-year-old Indiana woman is facing multiple charges after police say she drove onto a courthouse lawn and did donuts while intoxicated. She was charged with DUI and other offenses. https://t.co/kxU8HKpb7U
— ECLIPSE INTEL (@ECLIPSEINTEL001) October 13, 2026
I admire her spirit.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
Five O'Clock Somewhere makes its triumphant return on Monday, October 19 at 3 p.m. Eastern.
