It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn where not to hide the gun you aren't allowed to have, when the smartphone isn't your friend, and what not to drink to avoid a DUI in Virginia.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man fled crash, but iPhone's automatic 911 call led them straight to him
It's such a simple story, but it's also such a 2026 story that I couldn't resist.
Maybe he was drinking, maybe he just isn't a very good driver, but for whatever reason, Florida Man drove his Tesla right into a light pole and two trees. Not sure how he managed to get the combo. Maybe there was something good on YouTube.
But get this.
Florida Man cleaned up the debris and told local security he'd take himself to the hospital. Instead, he hid out at some girl's place.
What Florida Man forgot while trying to commit the perfect crime was that his iPhone had crash detection on, and when he failed to hit the "I'm OK I Swear" button or whatever, his phone called 911 for him.
That's when the police came.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Hide & Seek, Criminal Mastermind, Should Have Taken the L, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot, and a bonus point for our first-ever case of getting ratted out by a smartphone. (8)
TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Everybody Needs a Hobby
Florida Man tased after sword-wielding home invasion
Did you ever break into some stranger's house wielding a sword, demand that they all leave, and then be not quite sure what to do next?
That's exactly what Florida Man did near Gainesville last week, forcing his way into a home with his sword — I always carry mine for these things — and kicking everybody outside.
When for whatever reason, they called 911 while he just sort of hung out with his sword.
That the family might call the police doesn't seem to have entered into his plan, such as it was, and neither was dropping his sword and surrendering once they arrived and told him to drop his sword and surrender.
What can I say? Florida Man ain't French.
So he took a foam round from one of those less-lethal launchers, as the lawyers insist we call them now, and then a Taser.
The Taser finally dropped him, and he finally dropped his sword.
He's up on pretty much all the charges, except the most serious one of being French.
SCORE: Trespassing, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Tasered/Pepper Sprayed/Rubber Bullet (Times two! One for the taser, once for the rubber bullet), Resisting Arrest, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Criminal Mastermind, Stand-Off, Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK? (10)
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Three Brilliant Movie Adaptations Their Authors HATED
Fat, Drunk, and Illegal Is No Way to Go Through Life, Son
One again, just hit Play and left Sheriff Grady Judd do his thing.
SCORE: Burned by Grady, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Suspended/No License, Fleeing the Scene, ICEd, Glamor Mugshot, and a Bonus Point for kinda-sorta being able to drive at .25. (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man arrested after police chase, linked to organized Lego theft ring
I did not have "organized Lego theft ring" on my 2026 bingo card. But I totally get it.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Armed, shirtless Florida Man allegedly tries to force way into woman's car, then flees
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're minding your own business walking around shirtless which isn't a big deal because number one it's Florida and number two wrapping your gun hand in a t-shirt is an excellent way to hide your gun when you decide you're tired of walking and what you'd really like is a ride which you don't want to pay for which is easier when you have a gun so you see this nice lady in a parked car and open her door and tell her to scoot over to the passenger side so you don't have to make her do the driving which is pretty nice when you think of it but instead of moving over she starts telling at about stuff like "NO I WON'T" and "OMG YOU HAVE A GUN" so you decide to find some nicer ride and wander off which is when she must have called the police for whatever reason so you take off running but first you're real smart and drop your gun-shirt and the gun but the police catch you pretty quick and they even find the gun and they're all like "you're a felon and can't possess a firearm" and you're all like "I didn't possess the weapon I was just holding it until I set it back down wrapped up nicely in a shirt" but apparently that isn't a thing and now you're probably gonna be a felon again?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), You Hid It WHERE?, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Vehicular Madness, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing the Scene, Criminal Mastermind, Public Nudity, Police Bodycam, Glamor Mugshot, Recidivism. (11)
RUNNING TOTAL: 37 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man attacked by 7-foot shark said he’d ‘100% be dead’ without help of nearby boaters
This one is actually from the end of August, but it got lost among my tabs of so many other Florida Hero stories that I didn't get to it until now.
Worth the wait, I hope:
While fishing in shallow water at a sandbar in Key West, Fla. on Aug. 23, Dave Daniel, 43, was viciously bitten by what he believes to be a six-or seven-foot nurse shark, according to an online fundraiser.
“I looked down in the water and there was so much blood in the water,” Daniel recalled to NBC News of the horrifying attack.
Daniel, a Sunshine State resident, said he noticed the large beast in the water and tried to move away but it suddenly “beelined” toward him “face-to-face” and brutally latched onto his legs.
That's when he was sure he was a dead man: “Sitting on the beach, bleeding out, I was making peace with myself saying ‘if it’s your time to go, it’s your time to go,'”
It was not his time to go:
But then Daniel saw two nearby boaters, who happened to be medical staff, racing over to provide assistance “like angels coming out of nowhere.”
“If it weren’t for them, I would 100% be dead on the beach,” Daniel told WSVN. “Grace to God that they were medically trained people and nurses and EMTs.”
Nearby boater and trained nurse Courtney McMurrary told NBC that she just happened to be in “the right place [at the] right time” when Daniel was mauled by the huge shark.
“I think he and I were meant to be there,” the good Samaritan said.
Now that he's recovering at home, Daniel said, “I feel okay, like pretty strong. Just my blood pressure’s acting a little funny because, you know, I just got attacked by a shark."
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to our Good Samaritans, another one to Florida Man Daniel for his great attitude, Dangerous Wildlife, Water Hazard. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 43 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Florida Woman Steals Police Car, Goes on 100 MPH Joyride
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 43 points for an impressive average of 8.6.
Meanwhile, in Virginia...
Woman who struck cruiser drinks urine-contaminated toilet water in attempt to alter breath test results | Link in bio #police pic.twitter.com/uh4XQJOHWG
— Police1 (@PoliceOne) September 21, 2026
Folks, if you ever find yourself in a situation where drinking urine-contaminated toilet water seems like a reasonable course of action, you need to take a step back and reexamine a few choices.
Preferably before drinking the drinking urine-contaminated toilet water.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Larry "Maybe" O'Connor at 4 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
