It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn how to make a lame escape, a true tale of Flock camera heroism, and the best possible vehicle for joyriding in New Jersey.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man arrested after ripping chain off victim’s neck
"Big deal," you might say. "Florida Man has done so much worse than snatch the chain off someone's neck."
Yes, that's true. Florida Man has done so much worse than snatch a chain off someone's neck.
He also pushed the victim to the ground, giving him time to make his escape...
...on a tricycle.
It's like Steve McQueen in Papillon, only totally lame. Also, there's no video. Which seems like a wasted opportunity. Also, it was just a couple of weeks ago that Florida Man tried to flee the cops in an RV. You'd think maybe he'd have learned.
Ha-ha, no.
But there's more.
Florida Man rode his trike into the woods where he hid from police. That's where the police found him anyway, standing right next to the very same tricycle.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Hide & Seek, Criminal Mastermind, Instant Karma, Dillhole, and a Demerit for releasing just a single frame from the bodycam video. (7)
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
He Was Almost Too Drunk to Breathe
Villager with old N.Y. license claims he’s lost during DUI arrest
So the cops pulled Florida Man over with a half-full Miller Lite in the center console and a bunch of empties, who assured them that the empties were merely from the last time he was out driving drunk.
Normally, a simple DUI arrest doesn't merit a Florida Man Friday report. But this part grabbed me and wouldn't let go:
According to an arrest report from the Florida Highway Patrol, Florida Man told a trooper he was trying to drive from Ocala to The Villages but had gotten lost. During the traffic stop, he presented a New York driver’s license, despite admitting he has lived in The Villages for at least 13 years. A computer check revealed his driving privileges in Florida were already suspended for a previous DUI.
Let me see if I got this right.
Florida Man has lived there for 13 years, got so drunk that he couldn't remember either of those straightforward routes home, and thought he could fool the police into thinking that his ancient New York license was still valid because his Florida DL had gotten pulled due to multiple previous DUIs?
I'll have what he's having, and make it a double.
SCORE: The Villages, Drugs/Alcohol, The Elderly, Recidivism, Likely Story, Suspended License/Expired Tags, Glamor Mugshot. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: This Is the Fauci Legacy
Dress for Success
Man of Steal? Deputies arrest Superman-clad boat burglary suspect
It was a typical Saturday afternoon in Hillsborough County, with Florida Man wearing what appears to be some kind of Superman apron, or maybe it's a Superman onesie that he hadn't actually slipped into, taking stuff that wasn't his off of somebody else's boat.
They say you're supposed to dress for the job you want, not the job you have, and never have those words rung so hollow.
The most Florida Man moment was when he confessed to the whole thing but explained to the deputies that he “only took three items.”
"Oh, that's OK then," is exactly what the deputies didn't say.
But it is when the cuffs went on.
SCORE: Trespassing, Police Bodycam, The Elderly, Criminal Mastermind, Way to Take the L, Master of Disguise, Recidivism. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points
Nothing but sevens so far. Can that be right?
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman Had Drugs Hidden Everywhere, All At Once
Maybe She Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Woman slips out of handcuff, fights deputies during alleged domestic battery arrest
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes when you get in a huge screaming match with your old man and he says he's leaving you for real this time so he starts grabbing his stuff so you block him in the closet but he slips out and heads out to his truck but the cops are already there because somebody must've heard all the shouting again so you ain't going out there which is when this one cop comes to the door and starts asking you questions you're all like "I don't even know why you're here" and then you're all like "I'll only talk to a female cop because I know my rights in the constitution" and you slam the door shut in his face but then this other cop comes to the door and he's all like "you're under arrest for domestic battery and false imprisonment" like those are even real things so you kick that cop in the thigh but they get the cuffs on you anyway and shove you in the back of the cruiser which is fine because you know this trick for slipping out of handcuffs and don't ask why so then you're slapping more cops but they get the cuffs back on you even tighter and you're cussing and shouting all the way to jail which is where you're stuck and maybe that's what they mean by false imprisonment.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Legal Scholar, Class Act, Domestic Bliss, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Assaulting a Cop, Resisting Arrest, Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot, and a Bonus Point for slipping out of the cuffs. (9)
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
🚨WOW!!!
— Matt Van Swol (@mattvanswol) July 28, 2026
A 77-year-old Florida man staged a one-man protest against a Flock camera, blocking it's view by holding a 12-foot POOL SKIMMER against it.
He was caught on camera being interrogated by police and a man driving by says, "What's your name? I'll bail you out!"
Then… pic.twitter.com/jjfl9Xl3pQ
77-year-old Florida man staged a one-man protest against a Flock camera, blocking its view by holding a 12-foot POOL SKIMMER against it.
NSFW language alert, but every f-bomb is so well-earned.
Via Matt Van Swol:
He was caught on camera being interrogated by police and a man driving by says, "What's your name? I'll bail you out!"
Then multiple strangers showed up and brought him cold drinks, an umbrella for shade, and even snacks.
When asked why he was doing this, the 77-year-old said:
“I have a constitutional right to my privacy. I’m a law-abiding citizen, and I don’t need anyone sticking their nose in my business. And if they do, I’m going to chop it off.”
Karl Gunn, all of us here at FMF salute you.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Florida Man Karl Gunn for sticking it to the man, an unusual three more bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to our unnamed Florida Man for having his back, and holy cow another set of three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to everybody who brought him drinks and stuff, Went Viral, and a Demerit to the police. I know they're only doing their jobs, but it's only a Demerit. (11)
RUNNING TOTAL: 41 FMF Points.
Yeah, I ran up the score on this one — and you're glad I did.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Brought a Horse to a Rodeo Fight — Wait, WHAT?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 41 points for a nice, high average of 8.2.
Meanwhile, in New Jersey...
Make America Fun Again.https://t.co/sJrh3oIKFO
— Stephen Green (@VodkaPundit) July 31, 2026
It is my heartfelt belief that when somebody steals an armored police vehicle for two hours, the third hour should be free.
But you know the drill: A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
