It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn that you're always the mayor of Naples, how to dress for a night out at Jensen Beach, and how to have a cow in upstate New York.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
I'm so happy right now.
Years of reading Dave Barry's Miami Herald columns in the '80s and '90s were the inspiration for the Corrupt Official(s) category — but then I hardly ever get to use it.
It's back!
And since this story involves one, I'm going to leave her name unchanged:
Teresa Heitmann, the mayor of Naples, was arrested Monday night for violating her probation after testing positive for cannabinoids, the main compound found in marijuana, during a court-mandated drug test on March 26, according to police records obtained by Gulf Coast News and WINK.
The 62-year-old – on probation for an August 2024 DUI bust – was hit with unlawful possession or use of cannabinoids.
...
The pol, who has served as mayor since 2020, was first arrested on August, 28, 2024, for driving with a blood-alcohol level more than twice the legal limit after plowing into a neighbor’s mailbox.Shocking bodycam footage captured Heitmann stumbling through field sobriety tests – at one point identifying herself as the mayor before bizarrely trying to distance herself from the job.
“No, don’t call me mayor,” she is heard telling a police officer in the video footage.
Exit quote: “I am Teresa Heitmann right now. I am not the mayor.”
Oh, honey. That's not how this works.
Heitmann is a registered Republican, in case anybody thought we didn't know how to party.
She's being held in her own city's jail, and how awkward must that be for the people who have to keep an eye on her?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Police Bodycam, Corrupt Official(s), Probation Violation, Likely Story, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot. (8)
TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Everyone Needs a Hobby
Florida Man dressed as pirate with sword arrested after fire at park
Before we get into this one, I'd like to take a moment to tell Florida Man that I like his sense of style.
The arson, not so much:
Sheriff John Budensiek on April 23 said Florida Man was at a pub in downtown Jensen Beach east of the park about 11 p.m. “We were told by witnesses that he poured gasoline, which he had in a milk jug, on several different vehicles,” Budensiek said. “Specifically, one was a Harley-Davidson motorcycle that he poured gasoline either on it or in it, and we've heard both conflicting accounts on that.”
One witness “described the suspect as a White male dressed as a pirate,” according to an arrest affidavit.
Budensiek said ultimately, those at the bar “ran him off.”
“And the next we see him, he's about three quarters of a mile to the west on Jensen Beach Boulevard carrying a tiki torch … lighting the Savannas Preserve on fire as he's walking down the road,” Budensiek said.
Exit quote: "While he's being handcuffed, he's primarily worried about these plastic chains that he has around his neck."
So he went to a bar in pirate garb and plastic chains, carrying a samurai sword, a tiki torch, and a jug of gasoline? Did I get that right?
Maybe it's one of those places where on Wednesday nights, you get $2 well drinks if you show up dressed in pirate garb and plastic chains, carrying a samurai sword, a tiki torch, and a jug of gasoline.
As for the rest of the story, it just makes no sense to me.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Police Bodycam, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Master of Disguise, Dude You OK? (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Peace Through Strength — and the Cost of Forgetting It
'Find New Roads'
Florida Woman Somehow Drives Lifted Truck Over Lamborghini
Yahoo Auto called it "the kind of thing that can happen in parking lots across the country."
And yet it happened first in Florida, man.
No one was hurt, which seems kinda of miraculous.
And now for a true story.
My dad, Steve Sr., spent most of the 1970s single, successful, handsome, and charming as hell. And, as a member of the Silent Generation, a bit of an old-school male chauvinist. Not mean — he enjoyed the company of women (and vice versa) far too much for that. But it didn't matter which of his pretty girlfriends was in the car with us on our way to the river, when we drove past the giant auto wrecking yard with the cars piled 30 feet high, he'd say, "Ah, the ladies' parking lot."
Man, I wish he were alive to see Florida Woman in the lifted Chevy Silverado drive up a Lamborghini in a parking lot.
He'd be 82 right now if he were, and I'm pretty sure his current pretty girlfriend would never hear the end of it.
SCORE: Went Viral, Vehicular Madness, Caught on Video, and a Bonus Point for proving my dad right after all these years. (4)
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Video: Beer keg used by Florida Man to smash into smoke shop
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man Arrested for Two Hit-and-Run Crashes
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're just minding your own business cruising around in your Cypress Gardens or Lake Wales or Winter Haven or wherever the hell you are and finishing off this bottle of bourbon you got when for whatever reason there's this other car in the turn lane you need to use which is pretty rude when you think about it so it isn't like you meant to rear-end him and smash your forehead into the windshield but it wasn't a big surprise either so you carry on your way with maybe another swig of bourbon while you head down Cypress Gardens Boulevard when there's another car in front of you going too slow so it isn't like you meant to rear-end him and smash your forehead into the windshield again but it wasn't a big surprise either but by then you're feeling a little woozy and maybe like the cops might come looking for you so you sneak into the closed parking lot at the elementary school and park near some dumpsters where the cops would never find you except they find you pretty quick and they're all like "your front end is smashed in like you had a couple of hit and runs and so is your forehead and there's glass all over and also a bottle of bourbon which you totally smell like" which even though you refused the sobriety test is how you find yourself in jail and even though you wouldn't tell them your name they figure it out and also that you're on felony probation for drug trafficking and that's why you needed the bourbon in the first place.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Getting Caught Stupidly, Probation Violation, Instant Karma, Hide & Seek, Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK? (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Fort Lauderdale K-9 Appie out of the hospital after being shot by burglary suspect
This report contains at least trace amounts of internet-transmissible onion fumes:
"I actually think he was very fortunate. It seems like the bullet actually ricocheted off the bone and caused the break instead of kind of going right through it," Frame said.
Medical Director Dr. Sagen Woolery emphasized the severity of the injury. "Although it injured his arm an inch one direction or another, this could have been a life-ending injury for him," Woolery said.
Appie, who is described as loving all the attention, still faces a long road to recovery. Vets believe he will need up to 12 weeks for recovery and will require physical therapy at least twice a week for the foreseeable future.
And treats. Don't forget the treats.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Good Dog, Fleeing the Scene, Resisting Arrest, and an unprecedented three Demerit points for shooting a dog. (9)
RUNNING TOTAL: 34 FMF Points.
Did I run up the score? For Appie, you bet I did.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The $700,000 Foot Bath Fraud
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 34 points for a respectable average of 6.8.
Remember when that used to be a really high score?
Meanwhile, in New York...
New York Man allegedly tried to stab family member — while dressed as a cow
Honestly, I feel pretty confident about my worthiness to cast the first stone on this one.
(Hat tip to Longtime Sharp VodkaPundit Reader™ "anon-nfq3" for this one.)
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ashley McCully at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
