It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn the wrong vehicle for making a quick septic tank getaway, what police won't accept in place of RealID, and how not to make a surprise booty call in South Dakota.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
‘I wasn’t even swerving:’ Florida Man caught driving backward on highway
Florida Man was minding his own business, driving in reverse down State Road 100 in Flagler County, when, for whatever reason, police wanted to talk to him about it.
“The driver... said the car had a mechanical issue, and he ‘thought the best option’ was to drive it backward to AutoZone,” the sheriff's officer said in a release. “Except his mechanical issues evaporated when deputies got behind him... or was it in front of him?”
"I wasn't even swerving," Florida Man told police. "Oh, that's OK then," is exactly what police didn't reply.
“You were driving backwards on the road,” a deputy said on the body cam footage.
Florida Man said, “Yeah, I mean, it’s the same thing as if you were reversed."
Well, how do you argue with logic like that?
After arresting him, police discovered to nobody's shock that Florida Man has a rap sheet four states wide.
Sheriff Rick Staly said, "If it wasn't so dangerous, it would be funny."
Sorry, Sheriff — it's still funny.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Went Viral, Vehicular Madness, Recidivism, Suspended License/Expired Tags, Caught on Video, Police Bodycam, Likely Story, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (9)
TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
'Miss, That Is Not a Valid Form of I.D.'
Butt Tattooed Florida Woman Gives Boca Cops Q-Tips When Asked For License
Ever been so drunk that when the police (inevitably) pulled you over, instead of your license and registration, you handed them a bag of Q-Tips and batteries, instead?
No? Just Florida Woman then:
Florida Woman was arrested in the early morning hours of March 2nd after a Boca Raton Police officer reportedly spotted her white Cadillac failing to stop at a red light, cutting across several lanes, and struggling to stay in its own lane of travel. The incident occurred at 40 SE 5th Street. According to the probable cause affidavit, when an officer asked the Deerfield Beach resident for her driver’s license and registration, she allegedly handed over a bag containing Q-tips and batteries instead.
But wait, there's more!
Florida Woman then allegedly refused to participate in any field sobriety tasks, even after being warned of the potential legal consequences. Once transported to the Boca Raton Police Department booking facility, she allegedly continued her refusal by declining to provide a breath sample for alcohol testing. Police say that she later refused to sign her DUI citation and court summons, despite being informed that the signature was not an admission of guilt but a requirement of the law.
On intake, Florida Woman wrote that she has a heart tattoo on the "bottom of her buttocks."
Exit question: Why does she keep her batteries with her Q-Tips?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Should Have Taken the L, Face/Neck Butt Tattoos, Dude You OK? (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: There's Something Weird Going on in Ukraine
Master of Escape
Florida Man leads Florida law enforcement on paddleboard pursuit
So there was this paddleboard race, but one of the guys forgot his paddleboard, and the other guys were sheriff's deputies.
You can probably guess how the whole thing started — or just watch the video.
SCORE: Police Chase, Water Hazard, Caught on Video, Should Have Taken the L, Hold My Beer, and a bonus point to whoever loaned the paddle boards to the deputies. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man goes viral for ‘crazy’ likeness: ‘I’m not Jeffrey Epstein. I’m Palm Beach Pete!’
Yeah, but is Hillary convinced?
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man allegedly tried to steal septic tank with Toyota Corolla, U-Haul
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you see one of those big septic tanks just sitting there at a construction site and you're all like "maybe I could use a septic tank like that for something someday" so you come up with this perfect crime where you'll sneak up on it at night in your Toyota Corolla and just drag it away but it turns out its pretty complicated to get the thing into place because you gotta use the car to back it out into the street then pull the car around to the front so you can take it home and stick it in the garage or wherever for later but it turns out your Corolla has a hard time dragging the thing and you've taken so long that some other car come up and chases you off but the next day you come up with an even more perfect crime where you'll hide it inside a U-Haul so you rent the van and cover up the plates and you just show up in the middle of the day like you own the place and slide the septic tank that you swear you might need someday up into the U-Haul and drive away but the cops manage to track you down anyway and now you're up on all these charges and you still don't know what you were gonna use that septic tank for.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Surveillance Video (times two!), Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, and a bonus point for trying to steal a septic tank, which is a thing I'll never forget. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Boca teen starts nonprofit to provide basic necessities to kids in need
What an impressive young lady:
At just 16 years old, this week’s ‘Hometown Hero’ is making sure other kids in our community who are less fortunate have the basic necessities they need to succeed. She’s also bringing hands-on educational programs to students in the Bahamas. It’s all happening through her nonprofit organization called Happy Human.
“I really started Happy Human because I saw how many kids around me lacked access to resources that I was like lucky enough to grow up with, and I wanted to use my voice and my resources and connections to make a real difference within my community.”
The goal is to provide clothing and shoes to underserved kids in the United States through pop-up shop experiences.
“They give children a joyful kind of store-like experience where they can go through and use happy dollars and shop for whatever items that they desire,” Rylee explains. “And we have volunteers come and help at the events, and they kind of guide the children through the store, so it feels like a legitimate shopping experience.”
But I buried the lede: "Rylee Labell started her youth-led charity about four years ago, combining her love of fashion and passion for giving back."
She was 12.
Impressive, indeed.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Entrepreneurship, and Rylee gets an additional bonus point for launching Happy Human when she was 12. And one more for sticking with it. Wow. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 32 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Armed With an Ax, Brought Down by an MMA Fighter
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 32 points for another respectable average of 6.4.
Meanwhile, in South Dakota...
Drunk, Looking for Companionship, Mistakes Neighbor’s Home for His ‘Friend’s’ Place
Who says romance is dead?
In the dead of night, around 3:25 a.m., a booze-soaked genius in Rapid City, South Dakota decided that was prime time to crawl through a window for a late-night hook-up. The problem was, the intoxicated moron was so far gone he couldn’t tell one house from the next on the 600 block of Saint James Street.
He was apparenlty convinced he was breaking into his “acquaintance’s” place next door…because nothing says “Honey, I’m home! I brought you cheezy double-beef burrito!” like jimmying a window at zero-dark-thirty while hammered, seeking some companionship from that barfly he met a while back.
The homeowner of the wrong house, rudely awakened by all the racket, wasn’t in a particularly romantic mood. As the over-served man wiggled his way in, the resident delivered a single, well-placed shot intended to stop him. Boom— the drunk’s Darwin Award application had been submitted.
The window wiggler suffered a serious, but non-life-threatening new ventilation, got hauled to the hospital, and is now facing charges.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
