It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn about the last person who should ever dial 911, the first Anti-COVID Prophet, and what they're doing in Kentucky for mating season.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man arrested after falling into stranger's pool
Usually, it takes a lot more than falling into a stranger's pool to make the top spot on Florida Man Friday. Pretty sure it takes more than that to get arrested, too.
But this case is special.
You won't be shocked to learn that Florida Man was drunk when he fell into a stranger's pool, because no story involving falling into a stranger's pool ever started with, "I was so sober..."
But Florida Man had drunk so much vodka that he actually forgot where he lived, which is why he was wandering around other people's backyards. He was so drunk that at one point, he must have given up on finding his house, because he knocked on the stranger's door and asked if he could stay with them for a day or two.
Yeah, no.
But that's when he made his way inside their lanai, regardless, and fell through their pool cover into the water.
When police arrived, Florida Man was lounging on a chair by the pool, and he told them he was in the CIA and had held his breath for three minutes.
Rusty Simplex, a local, said, "I would shove my boot so far up his [expletive] he would be tasting leather."
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Water Hazard, Likely Story (times two!), Resisting Arrest, Glamor Mugshot, and a Bonus Point to Rusty for the "tasting leather" remark. (7)
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
Seven points for falling into a pool. This is why we love Florida Man.
That Hardly Seems Fair
Florida Woman arrested after calling 911 to report son was threatening to kill her with sword
Did you ever call the police on your own son for threatening to kill everybody in the house with a katana, only to have the cops arrest you, too, on a bunch of drug charges as long as your arm?
No?
Just Florida Woman then:
The sheriff's office said that Florida Woman reported Florida Son had been drinking alcohol and was damaging property.
She also said that her son was swinging a katana-style sword and was threatening to not only kill her, but other people as well, according to the sheriff's office.
In addition, the sheriff's office said Florida Son could be heard threatening his mother and the responding deputies on the 911 call.
Florida Son was taken into custody in the back yard of the home on 11th Avenue, and he told deputies that the incident began after an argument with his mother.
In addition to Florida Son's arrest, deputies also arrested Florida Woman.
Her warrants included trafficking cocaine, trafficking fentanyl, trafficking hydrocodone, and cocaine sales, as well as several charges of drug possession and drug paraphernalia possession, "among other charges."
Busy gal.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Domestic Bliss, Getting Caught Stupidly, Outstanding Warrant(s), Recidivism. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Will the Real Tom Cruise Please Star in This Picture?
Look, Up in the Sky!
Drone tracks Florida Woman checking car door handles, fleeing, deputies say
Maybe I shouldn't love this story as much as I do... but I do:
Deputies arrived at a residential area in Leesburg around 2:26 a.m. regarding reports of “possible vehicle burglaries,” LCSO said.
According to the sheriff’s office, witnesses said they observed a person with a headlamp “moving suspiciously” through the neighborhood and possibly checking vehicle door handles.
Deputies said they located a vehicle with a warm engine in the vicinity of the neighborhood.
LCSO said it deployed a drone that located Florida Woman attempting to hide behind a tree near a waterline.
Deputies approached her and she attempted to flee on foot, according to the sheriff’s office.
According to body camera footage of the incident, deputies arrested her near the waterline.
“I’m just going for a walk,” Florida Woman said during the arrest.
“You don’t go for a walk and start sprinting away from the sheriff’s office,” a deputy said.
Heh.
Police found her with "'burglary tools,' including a ratcheting wrench with a socket attachment and gloves."
Hey, you never know what you might need during a 2 a.m. walk.
SCORE: Likely Story, Police Bodycam, Fleeing the Scene, Hide & Seek, Tactical Gear, The Inevitable Helicopter (Or Drone), and a Bonus Point to the smart-aleck deputy. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man accused of using taco seasoning packets in organized retail fraud scheme
That's a real story, and not a fake headline produced by a random word generator.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man destroys Chinese restaurant with shovel, claimed to be prophet ending new COVID strain
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes when God makes you a prophet and you're the only one who can stop a new strain of COVID hidden inside Chinese restaurants so it's your sacred duty to destroy them all but all you have is a shovel which you realize is going to take a while but you've got Yelp on your phone so you figure you're good to go which is when you show up at Pearl’s Chinese Restaurant with your best prophet shovel and you're just smashing that kitchen up and maybe hit the owner a couple of times in case he's the guy in charge of all the COVID but then for whatever reason the police show up and you're all like "I had to destroy that restaurant all Chinese restaurants are going to release a new strain of COVID on July sixth I am a prophet I’m trying to save everyone" but it's like the police don't even listen so now instead of saving the world from COVID you're stuck in jail and up on all these charges?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Impersonation (of a prophet), Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK?, Police Bodycam, and a Demerit for not releasing the police bodycam video already. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Cape Coral car dealership sells Jeep for $1 to man in need after story
Love this:
In December, Gulf Coast News told the story of Jeremy Smith. Fort Myers police pulled over the young father right before Christmas, not for speeding, but because his car was literally falling apart. His 1999 Honda Civic, with 250,000 miles, deployed airbags and had no windshield or bumper, was unsafe to drive, but was his only way to get to work.
"I knew I was in the wrong, but I had no other choice," Smith said in a previous interview done by Gulf Coast News.
Smith's car was towed and left in a junkyard, leaving him without transportation. Just this week, Joshua Clinton, managing partner at Cape Coral Chrysler Dodge Jeep Ram, saw Smith's story done by Gulf Coast News on his TikTok For You Page and decided to help.
Clinton added, "Today we found out Jeremy's a mechanic. So you know what? Time will tell. I think he's going to be able to keep it running for as long as he can. And, maybe he even comes here and works here for us, so that'd be cool."
Maybe that doesn't seem like a big deal, but check out prices on used cars these days. They're down from their 2022 peak, but still painful.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Vehicular Madness. (4)
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Hit and Ran How Many Times?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 30 points for a nice, round average of 6 FMF points.
Meanwhile, in Kentucky...
A Kentucky man reportedly covered in fur was taken into custody after he was allegedly caught having sex with a dead deer on the side of the road. pic.twitter.com/dhJT1PLNOw
— Local 12/WKRC-TV (@Local12) February 23, 2026
If you must, here's a link to the full WKRC report, but I didn't click it and don't recommend that anybody else does, either.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
Reminder: No Five O'Clock Somewhere today or Monday. We'll be back next Friday.
