It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn twice how not to pose for the camera, how to save the Baby Jesus, and how to (almost) steal booze in Texas.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Toothless Florida nutjob arrested for allegedly pointing gun at driver in road rage frenzy
It's a shame the doctor in the next story is an MD and not a DDS because... well, wow.
That aside:
Florida Man was arrested Sunday afternoon after allegedly racing his Ford Explorer up to a car he was honking at on Highway 331 in DeFuniak Springs — about 18 miles from Freeport — before cutting it off, whipping out a gun and pointing it at the occupants, according to the Walton County Sheriff’s Office.
Authorities quickly tracked down the Bonifay lunatic, who exited his vehicle, allegedly pulled the black handgun from his waistband, and set it atop his car.
Two metal knuckles were also found tucked in Alvarez’s pockets, police said.
The mugshot camera operator is on paid leave for PTSD and currently in therapy.
OK, I made up that last line — but could he blame him?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Went Viral, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Tactical Gear, Way to Take the L, Suspended License/Expired Tags, Face/Neck Tattoos, Glamor Mugshot, and the story doesn't say, but I feel confident in adding one more point for Recidivism.
TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
What a start, but even having seen that previous Glamor Mugshot, you still aren't prepared for what's next.
That Isn't Real, Is It? Tell Me It Isn't Real
Florida Doctor accused of stealing nearly $3K worth of merchandise at Target
Anyway, is it true that a lot of well-paid doctors like to make themselves up like a drag queen even when they aren't one, just in case they have to pose for a mugshot after shoplifting almost three grand worth of stuff from Target in their stolen Porsche?
Nope.
Just Florida Woman.
"The well-meaning Target employee who reported Florida Woman alleged theft did not specify which items were taken, how many or how she got out of the store with that value of merchandise."
Oh, c'mon — we can guess exactly what happened. Florida Woman probably had enough eyebrow markers shoved up under her shirt to make it look like she was about to deliver triplets.
The story doesn't say, and I won't hazard a guess, but are we absolutely sure the crazy doctor person has two X chromosomes?
SCORE: Crime Spree, Walmart/Target/Dollar General, Way to Take the L, Glamor Mugshot (and while I previously only used one of the next three items per story, this one gets all three), I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, Dude You OK? (7)
I trust you understand my reasoning.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: What in the Actual Hell Is Going on in Russia?
Sheriff Grady Presents...
Last Friday's Polk County Sheriff briefing included a guest appearance by the Baby Jesus gone wrong, plus... well, you'll just have to watch.
SCORE: Burned by Grady, Dillhole, Vehicular Madness, Way to Take the L, and a Bonus Point to Sheriff Grady for the quick save of Baby Jesus. And another one for saving the coffee. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man stuns social media by turning state’s frozen iguana population into tacos: ‘Chicken of the tree’
I don't exaggerate by much when I say that this time of year, half of the Florida Man stories involve doing stuff with half-frozen iguanas.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man on the run after motorcycle pursuit with troopers ends in woods
You know what I hate?
You know how when you're in your 50s but you buy a real fast motorcycle anyway and to impress the babes out there with your mad skillz you drive it through highway traffic like a total 22-year-old dillhole passing cars left and right totally illegally almost brushing them with your kneecaps and totally impressing all the babes when for whatever reason some cop decides to pull you over and that's when you realize you can really impress the babes by going even faster and anyway who needs another ticket and you just can't lose that cop so you ditch the motorcycle and run off into the woods and the cops still haven't caught you even though they figured out your name from the license plate but all you want to know is where all those babes are at?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Police Chase, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Hide & Seek, Hold My Beer, Dillhole (Overage Division), and I have to award a Bonus Point for actually making the getaway. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Treasure Coast hero describes rescuing pregnant woman from sinking car
Don't have time to watch the video? I get it, but you really should. But if not, here's the TL;DW:
On Friday morning, the Sebastian man was stuck in traffic going south on Interstate 95 when he noticed the vehicle sinking in a pond near a rest stop in Martin County. Without hesitation, he ran, jumped into the water, and swam to the car.
"I was just kind of dumbfounded, to be honest. Like, I just couldn't believe that happened. Couldn't believe that at that exact moment I happened to be driving by at the exact time," said Hayes, who briefly spoke exclusively with WPBF on Saturday.
Hayes swam to the car and found the back passenger door was the only one still above water.
"I swam up to the car, the back passenger door was the only door that was ... luckily, it was the closest door as well as it was kind of the only door that was still enough above water," he said.
When he encountered the woman, Hayes said she was panicking and asking how to get out. He instructed her to come to him.
"And so, she comes in between the two front seats and climbs ... she's coming into the backseat. The car is now starting to tilt more and roll down and more over. It's water flooding the car," Hayes said.
Helping her get back to shore was when Logan realized she was pregnant — approximately 118 months pregnant — and redoubled his efforts to keep her afloat.
"When I got a hold of her and turned around, the car was already under the water and gone."
The story doesn't say how she ended up in the pond, but it might have been contractions: "Hayes later spoke to the fiancé of the pregnant woman, who expressed gratitude for saving her. Hours after the rescue, the woman gave birth to the baby."
Here's to hoping mom, baby, and fiancé are all in good shape.
We already know how Logan Hayes is.
Awesome.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Vehicular Madness, Water Hazard. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 35 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: She Drove the Rental Like She Rented It
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
It's another big-scoring week with 35 points out of five stories for a lucky seven average.
Meanwhile, in Texas...
Texas Man allegedly started fire at H-E-B Riverside to steal alcohol.
And it would have worked, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling security cameras, watchful employees, and helpful police.
Still, Texas Man, we here at FMF salute you.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
