It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn when it's better to play through, how not to bury the competition, and what Kentucky Woman did to become an honorary Florida Woman.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man banned from public golf as terms of bail after beating up golfer over slow play
This is not a real Cinderella story.
Florida Man was minding his own business, punching a golfer in the foursome ahead of him in the face so many times that the golfer ended up with an orbital fracture and wound up in the hospital.
He and his buddies weren't playing fast enough, you see, and kept talking to one another instead of moving through the fast-paced sport of wandering around a giant lawn after the ball you just hit with a club.
Florida Man took off, but police caught up with him shortly after being ID'd on surveillance video and matching the credit card number he used for the tee-time reservation.
Among Florida Man's bail conditions, he's forbidden from playing golf on any public course at any speed.
Whatever happened to just pouring yourself another margarita from the cooler on the golf cart while you wait?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Golf, Fleeing the Scene, Getting Caught Stupidly, Surveillance Video, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, and a bonus point for being Banned from Golf. Anybody seen that one before?
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
The Competition Heats Up
Florida Man Firebombed Insurance Agency, Is Linked to Competing Agency
So Florida Man, who just happens to be the brother of a woman who owns an insurance agency, is charged with shooting at and throwing Molotov cocktails into a competing insurance agency just a few doors down from his sister's business.
His motive remains unclear. Heh.
More:
Lake Wales Police said Florida Man was tracked down last week in Jasper, Georgia, after surveillance footage showed a Toyota car in the vicinity of the Univista Insurance business before the incident. The vehicle belonged to a lab testing company for which Roberts was a courier at the time, police noted.
To be fair, his motive might be a mystery, but his methods were right out there for everyone to see.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Surveillance Video, Fleeing the Scene, Getting Caught Stupidly, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, and a Demerit to Insurance Journal for not telling us if this did or did not happen during office hours. Makes a big difference.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Can Trump’s Tariff Hammer End Putin’s War?
How to Become an Honorary Florida Woman
Kentucky Woman accused of trying to sneak meth into Disney World
Kentucky Woman was going through Disney World security when they found "a hollow cylinder-shaped tube" full of meth.
Officials did not say exactly where they found it, for which we might be grateful.
"Can I just run this back to my room?" you can almost hear her ask.
Kentucky Woman told security she forgot she was carrying her meth, but they called the police anyway.
The sad mugshot, the drugs, the trip to Disney World, the lame excuse — if that isn't enough to make Kentucky Woman an honorary Florida Woman, then Ron DeSantis will eat the key to the state.
SCORE: Theme Park/Casino/Resort, Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol, Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Criminal Mastermind, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points
Florida Man Update: Florida Man who was married to three women at the same time sentenced for felony bigamy
The judge sentenced him to two years' probation with eight days' credit for time served, but I would have sentenced him to lifetime spousal support for all three women.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man accused of trying to break into cars at Wawa, caught after foot chase
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're hanging out at the Wawa parking lot and breaking into cars but not really breaking-breaking into them because you're just pulling on some door handles and if a car happens to be unlocked and the door comes open and some stuff you like or can maybe sell falls out on the pavement where nobody really knows who owns it that's hardly your fault and the police can pin nothing on you but some jerk calls the police anyway but you see them coming and you're all like "that's it I'll go look for stuff at some other Wawa" so you take off running and you jump this fence and keep on running until you get to this other gas station but the cops gotta dang helicopter up there so it doesn't even matter that you're hiding behind the gas station where nobody ever looks so you take off again but next thing you know that the cops are pulling your wrists to put the cuffs on you AGAIN.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Police Chase, Surveillance Video, Fleeing the Scene, Hide & Seek, Should Have Taken the L, The Inevitable Helicopter (Or Drone).
RUNNING TOTAL: 24 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Lifeguards rescue deer stranded in ocean
Just watch the clip and repeat after me: bravo.
SCORE: Good Dog Deer, Went Viral, Water Hazard, Dangerous Wildlife (sharks!), Caught on Video, the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to the lifeguards, and I'd be remiss if I didn't award another bonus point to lifeguard Chase Hunter for his impressive mustache game.
I have no reason to believe Chase Hunter isn't his real name, which is almost as cool.
And nine points? Impressive.
RUNNING TOTAL: 33 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Since When Is Drunk-Mowing on the Toll Road a Crime?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Wow. Five scored stories with a total of 33 points for a near-record average — or is that a tie? — of 6.6.
I'd just like to add that Florida Man (and Honorary Florida Woman) managed to run up that score without a single stolen police car, zero strippers, and only one attempt at smuggling drugs into Disney Land.
Really makes you think, doesn't it?
Meanwhile, in California...
Serial butt-sniffer arrested again for sticking schnoz in woman’s backside at a Nordstrom Rack
I really very truly deeply got nothin'.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
