Instead of protesting kings, why not protest Bigfoot? Bigfoot’s a jerk: He’s always scaring drunk campers and taking blurry photos. Let’s be honest: Bigfoot contributes nothing to society.
Or leprechauns — maybe we should protest leprechauns. I mean, I’ve never actually met a leprechaun, but the name sounds suspiciously similar to leprosy. Coincidence?
Are you SURE?
I say, if you’re gonna buy the Epstein conspiracy, might as well buy the leprechauns-cause-leprosy one too. (At least with the leprechaun conspiracy, there’s a chance you’ll get a pile of gold. Not sure what you get with the Epstein conspiracy, but whatever it is, I don’t want it.)
Speaking of leprechauns, studies say achondroplasia, a.k.a. dwarfism, strikes one in every 25,000 babies. There are 5.4 million people in Ireland — which implies there’s over 200 Irish dwarfs.
I’ll betcha a box of Lucky Charms that Irish dwarfs almost never wear green in public. Otherwise, a dopey American tourist might pin him down and try to steal his money: “Jackpot! Don’t look away, Martha, or he’ll change forms.”
On Sunday, March 28, there were international flurries of anti-Trump protests under the dubious banner of “No Kings.” Had ‘em all over America. Had ‘em in England, too:
🚨THE PROTEST HAS GONE GLOBAL:
— CALL TO ACTIVISM (@CalltoActivism) March 28, 2026
WOW! A massive number of protestors have gathered in LONDON, ENGLAND to join in solidarity with the No Kings day protests.
Today we stand with our friends in the UK!
pic.twitter.com/cVpcMFy69Y
And England, of course, actually has a king:
🚨Unbelievable. No Kings Protest in the UK, a country with an actual King.
— Juanita Broaddrick (@atensnut) March 28, 2026
This is why the UK is no longer a trusted ally of America.
UK has fallen
pic.twitter.com/MCey69Uxvy
A “No Kings” rally in England makes (theoretical) sense, because England is a monarchy, so there’s something tangible to protest.
America is not a monarchy. Never has been, never will be.
Which led to the oddball spectacle of millions of people protesting something that doesn’t exist.
Especially striking were the wrinkles on the participants — and the advanced age of the fading “stars” who lectured Americans about the perils of nonexistent monarchs. To put their age in context, by comparison, Joe Biden would’ve been a spring chicken.
From Deadline: Robert De Niro, Jane Fonda, Bruce Springsteen & More Figures Attend ‘No Kings’ 3.0 Protests Nationwide
Robert De Niro, Jane Fonda, Bruce Springsteen, Joan Baez and many other famous figures led and attended the third round of No Kings protests, part of some 3,000 marches scheduled nationwide today.
In New York, the Heat actor was among those leading the procession, alongside Rev. Al Sharpton and Attorney General Letitia James. During his speech, he called the gatherings a “great rallying cry, and hugely successful as millions of us have answered the call.”
“It’s time to say no to kings,” he said. “It’s time to say no to Donald Trump. We’ve had enough. No King Trump, no unnecessary wars that rob our resources, sacrifice our brave servicemen and women and slaughter innocents. No corrupt leader enriching himself and the Epstein class buddies. No taking away healthcare from our most vulnerable neighbors, no unaffordable groceries, no unaffordable energy, no unaffordable housing and no inflation at its highest level since COVID. No government masked thugs shooting down our neighbors in the streets. Trump has to be stopped. He can’t do all the f***ed up things he’s been doing without the collusion of Congress and the goons in his administration.”
Of the celebrities listed, De Niro is 82, Fonda is 88, Springsteen is 76, and Baez is 85.
Ex-President Biden is just 83.
The “No Kings” rallies consisted of old people cosplaying as young people, protesting something that doesn’t exist.
This is the same Democratic Party that just pushed an unelected, unchallenged, and unwanted presidential “nominee” on the American people in 2024. The very same Democratic Party that’s been dominated by lords and ladies like Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Dick Durbin, and Steny Hoyer for generations at a time.
Fun fact: Of the ten longest-serving members of Congress in U.S. history, nine were Democrats. And of the 20 longest-serving member of Congress, 17 were Democrats. (Ol’ Strom was in both parties.) Serving for life and lording over your subjects ‘til your dying day is, disproportionately, a Democratic phenomenon.
Yet these are the people warning us about kings?!
“Grab the net, kids. Grandma and grandpa are protesting make-believe kings again. Put a sedative in their Werther’s Original candy and grab ‘em when they get sleepy.”
Guess the upside of the “No Kings” rally is that there’s never a line at the porta-potty, ‘cause most of the attendees are wearing Depends.
Fun Fact, Part II: Almost all the “No Kings” rallies began in the morning or early afternoon and were finished by 4:00 p.m. And you know why, right?
So the participants could make the 4:30 p.m. early bird dinner special and be in bed by 6 p.m. (If there was a Perkins cafeteria or a Cracker Barrel nearby, I’ll betcha granny’s best doily that it was reservations-only that day.)
They HAD to schedule these rallies early in the day, ‘cause most of the participants aren’t allowed to drive at night!
All I’m saying is, if you’re gonna protest something fictional, there are far better options than imaginary monarchs. (And besides, isn’t protesting queens anti-LGBTQ?)
None of it made any sense:
Donald Trump is not, never will be, and has never been a king. #NoKings
— Senator Mazie Hirono (@maziehirono) March 28, 2026
Yeah… no [expletive], Sherlock.
Down with bigfoot and leprechauns!
PRediction: The post-event narrative will define if “No Kings” was a success or a failure.
Audiences don’t register everything at once. Ideas and images marinate in our imagination — and most of the time, we don’t entirely know how we feel until others tell us how they feel.
That’s because we’re socially wired to interpret events through the eyes of our tribe. Our group identity weighs heavy on our psyche; the fear of being out of step with our tribe of choice is a common theme in marketing campaigns.
Which is why, for PR purposes, the real war over the “No Kings” rallies began today.
The Democrats, of course, have a vested interest in portraying the rallies as a spontaneous, homegrown uprising of average Americans who’ve finally had enough of Donald Trump’s tyranny. The Dems’ messaging will center on the normalcy of the protesters — and the legitimacy of their outrage.
It was certainly well-attended: Up to 9 million participated.
But this also makes the Republican counter-PR strategy clear: We win by showing that the protesters were coocoo for Cocoa Puffs, overaged and undereducated, and chock-full of weirdos.
Fortunately, the protesters supplied the visuals for us:
🇺🇸 Look at this, at the “No Kings” protest in NYC, a bunch of people waving commie flags are chanting: “There is only one solution! Communist Revolution!”
— Mario Nawfal (@MarioNawfal) March 29, 2026
Are you protesting a “king” by demanding a communist regime?
Just a tip: low IQ = low social credit scores 😉
Source:… https://t.co/v8Z7QsuBgT pic.twitter.com/23IPvpXULa
This is a No Kings protest currently taking place in Philadelphia, where they’re chanting, “Death to the Zionist entity and Death to America.” pic.twitter.com/XhcwPtAScL
— Tali Goldsheft (@TaliGoldsheft) March 28, 2026
I’m watching this No Kings protest in Atlanta against President Trump and his administration right now and I genuinely can’t tell if this is a protest or the villain casting call for a low-budget Marvel movie.
— Angela Stanton King (@theAuntieAngie) March 28, 2026
Are these Democrats? Liberals? Devil Worshipers?
Is this real life? pic.twitter.com/sct98kGId5
It’s the GOP’s job to share all the gloriously gruesome visuals with the voters.
PRojection: The most under-discussed element of the “No Kings” rallies?
It’s who’ll inherit its contact list in 2028.
Pretend you’re a Democrat with presidential aspirations. Obviously, you have your own mailing list of donors, activists, and grassroots allies — but most of ‘em are gonna be from your home state and district.
But if you want to be a national player, you’ll need a national list. It’s essential.
The DNC has its own contacts. So do the zombie organizations that once ran the Joe Biden and Kamala Harris campaigns. And after two presidential runs, Bernie Sanders has a very nice national contact list, too.
For all the rest — whether it's Gavin Newsom, JB Pritzker, Josh Shapiro, AOC, Ro Khanna, or anyone else — the “No Kings” contact list is worth its weight in gold. Millions of names are on it.
But in 2028, who’ll get to use it?
Either there’ll be a public fight to control it, or the list will be secretly handed to one handpicked candidate in a backroom deal.
My guess: It’ll be a backroom deal. (Hey, this is the Democratic Party we’re talking about.)
Which means, in an irony of ironies, the long-term beneficiary of the “No Kings” movement will be the anointed favorite of secret, anonymous liberal powerbrokers who operate in the shadows.
And what could be more hilariously on-brand for the Dems than that?
PRaise: To President Trump for stepping up and signing an executive order that’ll pay TSA agents. Those poor men and women were being used as pawns in a leftwing turf-war — and that’s wrong on so many levels.
Never again should the Dems be empowered to singlehandedly wreck air travel for every American — or hold TSA agents’ salaries hostage to extract political concessions.
My idea?
First, if our airport security isn’t going to be funded, then neither should Congress’ security detail. Denying security for us while preserving it for the political elites — and then accusing Trump of being a king(!) — doesn’t make a lick of sense.
And second, there must be another executive order: In the future, should Congress go without paying TSA agents for longer than two weeks, then the airports have the right to privatize security — either by rehiring TSA agents or hiring someone new.
But either way, the TSA funding loophole is an economic vulnerability that the Dems have shown no qualms about exploiting. Trump must close the loophole ASAP, or I 100% guarantee it’ll happen again… and again… and again.
PRedator: Oh, Tiger Woods. Since 2009, he’s won just one major — but had four car accidents and two DUIs.
He’s won just one more major than me, and I don’t even play golf!
As an aging athlete with a lengthy history of injuries, I’m sure Woods is battling chronic pain. He’s probably on more medication than we know. I don’t doubt the legitimacy of his aches and pains.
But he’s also rich enough to afford an Uber.
It’s disappointing because Woods was/is one of the most influential American athletes of all time. Along with Babe Ruth, Muhammad Ali, and Michael Jordan, he’s on the short-list of the Mount Rushmore of GOAT American athletes.
Yet today, he’s known more for his failures than his victories.
It’s a shame: You spend a lifetime building a legacy — and just a handful of stupid decisions can reduce it to rubble. Tiger’s wounds, as real as they are, were almost entirely self-inflicted.
Ah well. Least we got some good X posts out of it:
— John's Memes (@Johnsmemes) March 28, 2026
An alcoholic drug abuser and John Daly pic.twitter.com/w9iowNA8Sr
— Old Row Sports (@OldRowSports) March 27, 2026
Out drove Tiger Woods today .
— T 🇹🇹 (@AlaskanTom) March 27, 2026
