Imagine living nearly 200 years. You've seen it all. Kings, queens, presidents, wars, and revolutions. Space travel, the invention of electricity, computers, and automobiles.
Your health isn't perfect. Cataracts have left you mostly blind, and you've lost your sense of smell, which makes enjoying your food a bit more difficult, but you're hanging in there.
And then some bozo in Brazil makes a mockery of you and tells the world that you died and tries to scam crypto from everyone in your name.
The nerve.
Believe it or not, this is a true story, but the subject matter just happens to be a tortoise. Specifically, Jonathan the Tortoise.
Jonathan hatched in or around 1832 in the Seychelles and was brought to Saint Helena, a British territory that sits in the South Atlantic Ocean between Africa and South America, about 50 years later. He's been there ever since and has become something of an icon on the island — Queen Elizabeth once paid him a visit. He's even on the money. Most people don't achieve that until they die.
The old man lives at Plantation House, or what's essentially Saint Helena's governor's mansion, and he's lived through 31 occupants in the residence. As a matter of fact, a former governor, Sir Spence Davis, gave him his name. You can actually visit Plantation House and spot Jonathan roaming the grounds. Despite the cataracts and the fact that he's 193 years old, they say he's still pretty active. Guinness World Records has declared him the oldest living land animal in the world.
Living to be so old has its downsides, too. Many years ago, Jonathan got a little rowdy and began exhibiting some behavior problems. He'd break down fences, disrupt croquet games by sitting on the balls, and go into the tennis courts and upend the benches. It turns out, Jonathan was lonely — he outlived most of his friends, so the Seychelles sent some new ones, Emma and David, to keep him company. In 1991, another tortoise, Fred, was added to the clique.
Several media outlets like to point out that Jonathan still has his libido and enjoys mating with both Emma and Fred. I can't confirm this, but hey, it's 2026. What a tortoise does in the privacy of his own yard is none of my business. When he's not getting his groove on or being a local celebrity, he enjoys a diet of fresh fruits and vegetables, including his favorites: cabbage, carrots, lettuce, bananas, and guavas.
So why am I writing about Jonathan? On Wednesday, someone pretending to be the tortoise's caretaker, veterinarian Joe Hollins, posted on social media that Jonathan had died.
"Heartbroken to share that our beloved Jonathan, the world’s oldest living land animal, has passed away today peacefully on Saint Helena," the message read. "As his vet for many years, it was an honor to care for him — hand-feeding bananas, watching him bask in the sun and marveling at his quiet wisdom. He leaves behind a legacy of resilience and longevity that inspired millions. Rest easy, old friend. You’ll be missed more than words can say."
The Guardian figured out that the poster was actually based in Brazil, not Saint Helena. Hollins said that it wasn't even some sick April Fool's joke — it was a cryptocurrency scam.
"IT IS NOT TRUE. The hoaxer is asking for crypto donations. It’s a con. Please forward guys because this has spread. Even our researcher friends in the US, unraveling his DNA, have just sent condolences," Hollins posted on social media.
Saint Helena's current governor, Nigel Phillips, got a good laugh out of it. He said he was getting ready for bed Wednesday night when he received a sudden influx of condolences, which confused him because he knew "Jonathan was asleep under a tree in the paddock."
The governor also joked that Jonathan would release his own press statement: "The report of my death was an exaggeration … Mark Twain, not Oscar Wilde. Jonathan would nonetheless have had the chance enjoy both their works in the original first editions."
He also had his team go out into the rain on Thursday morning and take a picture of Jonathan to show proof of life. According to the Guardian, the whole situation "rocked" the 4,440 people who live on the island, and caused a stir around the world.
The Governor’s Office wishes to address recent rumours and misinformation circulating online regarding Jonathan, the world’s oldest living tortoise. We can confirm that Jonathan is alive and well, continuing to enjoy his peaceful life on St Helena. pic.twitter.com/3B5Lc7TMGI
— Governor's Office - St Helena, Ascension & Tristan (@GO_ASHT) April 2, 2026
This particular paragraph from The Guardian made me laugh:
Lying on the ground, slightly shrouded in shrubbery, Jonathan seemed oblivious to the global furore caused by the false news of his death. His shell was glimmering from the morning rain. He is likely to be in a bad mood; the tortoise much prefers sunshine, in which he basks with limbs stretched out and eyes half-closed.
Here's Jonathan on Thursday, enjoying some bananas and completely unaware of all the drama.
Jonathan the oldest tortoise is alive and well - and enjoying some bananas today on St. Helena 🐢🍌
— Guinness World Records (@GWR) April 2, 2026
🎥 @sthelenatourism @GO_ASHT pic.twitter.com/OVX28K2aDD
