When Death Is Near, What Do People Regret the Most?

For nearly 100 years, researchers have been studying what people think about as they approach death. What kind of regrets are they experiencing? 

"Few people regret something they did," writes Norwegian journalist Bård Amundsen. "Many regret what they did not do."

A Harvard generational study begun in the 1930s followed subjects throughout their entire lives. The most important finding from that study was the role of close relationships in building a satisfying life, and that close relationships may also help people live longer.

"But in the long term – when life is drawing to a close – regrets are far more often tied to missed opportunities than to mistakes," writes Amundsen. 

A seminal 1995 study by Thomas Gilovich and Victoria Medvec, "The experience of regret: What, when, and why," notes that "Actions, or errors of commission, generate more regret in the short term; but inactions, or errors of omission, produce more regret in the long run."  

The article documents the importance of psychological processes that "(a) decrease the pain of regrettable action over time, (b) bolster the pain of regrettable inaction over time, and (c) differentially affect the cognitive availability of these two types of regrets," according to the article's abstract. 

Amundsen writes that: 

1. People regret relationships they never dared to pursue.
2. They regret educational or career paths they never attempted.
3. They regret the love they never found the courage to express.

Researchers also conducted interviews with patients in palliative care and found remarkably similar concerns about regret worldwide.

Science Norway:

Through these conversations, researchers observe how people often try to create meaning from their life experiences as they approach the end.

They evaluate their lives. They try to place their experiences into a larger context.

Money and status are rarely emphasised. Being successful or impressing others does not seem especially important.

Instead, people talk about their relationships with others. About connection. About love and purpose.

"Relationships with those closest to us become especially important," confirms Per Nortvedt.

Researchers do note that money mattered greatly to those who lacked it. Financial hardship can create years of stress and worry.

But once a person has achieved a reasonable degree of financial stability, money is rarely what comes to mind when death approaches.

"A 2024 study by Canadian researchers, which reviewed decades of research on life regret, found that many people nearing the end of life are troubled by feelings of missed opportunities," writes Amundsen.

"Some individuals experienced a strong sense of life regret."

This was especially true for those with unresolved regrets about a falling-out with a loved one. The researchers suggest that when it is still possible to make amends, doing so can be beneficial.  

"When a situation cannot be undone, however, it appears more important to learn to let go – to reinterpret the story of one’s own life," Amundsen writes.

"Yes, I recognize this from research we have done on palliative care," Per Nortvedt tells Science Norway. He is a former nurse and now professor emeritus of medical ethics at the University of Oslo. Palliative care focuses on relieving suffering and making the final stage of life as good as possible.

"In a research project I took part in, there was one thing the patients described as the very worst: Having to die while carrying unresolved conflicts with their loved ones," he says, adding:

"Seeing people struggle with such existential pain on top of physical pain that was already difficult to ease was one of the worst things I experienced."

The road ahead for me is a lot shorter than the road behind. Whenever I give the subject much thought, which is rarely, my regrets are on missed professional and romantic opportunities. 

My life has had its ups and downs, but overall, I have few complaints. I've lived a life with few apologies and plan on going out that way.

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