A few years ago, my future son-in-law asked me to go fishing, an invitation that came out of nowhere. We lived about an hour apart, so we chose a spot along the Wisconsin River halfway between our homes.
I soon learned he had more on his mind than catching fish.
While we were casting, he asked for my permission to marry my middle daughter.
I gave it, and gladly.
He was already a good man, and time only has strengthened my judgment. He loves the outdoors, hunting, fishing, and camping, plus he's conservative.
My daughter isn't.
Somehow, the two of them nicely fit; they challenge each other, steady each other, and clearly love each other.
Later, I told several friends about the conversation. These weren't angry activists hunting for offense, and they're intelligent professionals whose opinions I respect.
Every one of them rejected the custom. One woman said she would've ended her relationship if her fiancé had asked her father for permission.
Breaking up over a respectful conversation struck me as far more extreme than asking for permission.
The critics have a legitimate historical point. Marriage customs developed during centuries when women often lacked full legal and economic independence.
Under the common-law doctrine of coverture, a married woman's legal identity was absorbed into her husband's. Her ability to own property, sign contracts, sue, or exercise other rights could be severely limited.
Nobody should want to revive any part of that system. A grown woman doesn't belong to her father before marriage or to her husband afterward. She chooses whom she loves; she decides whether to marry, and her father doesn't hold veto power over her future.
Customs can change meaning as the culture around them changes. Asking for a blessing today usually isn't a transfer of ownership. It's a sign that a future husband understands marriage joins more than two names on a certificate.
From The Knot.com:
Believe it or not, but the tradition of a groom asking a bride's father for his blessing to marry his daughter dates back all the way to ancient Rome (we're talking BC). Back in those days, women were considered to be the property of their fathers until they married and ultimately became the property of their husbands. Clearly (and thank goodness), that's no longer our reality.
In addition to sealing the actual transfer of ownership of the woman, asking for a father's blessing to marry his daughter was also to ensure that whoever their daughter was marrying would be in good hands and well taken care of, but it was also because women didn't have the same autonomy as they do now, Dennis points out.
It wasn't until the 18th and 19th centuries where this tradition began to evolve to a less transactional and more respectful type of endeavor.
Families will share holidays, grandchildren, illnesses, losses, arguments, and years of ordinary life.
The practice also remains common; depending on the survey, roughly 70% of proposers asked for parental permission or a blessing before the engagement.
Another friend of his told him he prefers asking for the parent's "blessing," as opposed to their permission.
"I don't know if it's actually much of a difference, but I asked her dad/mom for their blessing, not permission," the friend said. "Kind of a blurry line between them… I do see it as a form of respect since you will be entering their family through marriage."
Kim Forrest, senior editor at The Knot, said their recent studies have shown the tradition of asking fathers for permission continues to be "popular and relevant."
She pointed to The Knot 2022 Real Weddings Study, which found that 71% of surveyed individuals asked their partner's parent or parents for permission before proposing.
"If your partner comes from a traditional family that anticipates a discussion about your proposal plans, seeking their blessing might be important to prevent any hurt feelings," she suggested. "Similarly, if you share a close bond with their family, involving them might hold significance to you."
But she noted some evolving trends.
"However, it can look a little different these days," Forrest told Fox Digital. "Today, it's not uncommon for the groom to seek the mother's or even a stepparent's blessing, and it's also not unheard of for the bride to be the one seeking permission to marry."
"We’re also finding that marriers are moving away from ‘asking for permission,’ and rather stating their intention to marry to parents and family members," she later said. "Modern couples don’t necessarily need parents’ permission to wed, but they do want to include their families in the process. Sharing the intention to marry with your future in-laws before the proposal will be a special moment for them, and give them a sense of involvement."
The custom increasingly includes mothers, stepparents, grandparents, or both families rather than treating the father as the sole gatekeeper.
From The Knot.com:
Whether or not you should ask for a blessing to marry your partner is dependent on a myriad of factors and, ultimately, up to you and your partner, as well as your respective beliefs and values. "If your partner comes from a very traditional family who is expecting you to sit down with them and discuss your plans to propose, it may be a necessary part of the process to avoid hurting any feelings," says Dennis. "Likewise, if you're very close to their family, it might be important to you to include them."
He agrees, however, that there are no direct rules to follow. It's ultimately up to you and your partner to decide if asking for a parent's blessing is something of importance to one or both of you.
Words carry weight here. "Permission" can sound as though the daughter's choice depends on her father's approval, while "blessing" carries a different spirit. The couple has made its decision, but the future spouse still approaches the family with humility and respect.
My son-in-law didn't need my authorization; my daughter would've married him regardless of my answer, and she would have.
His next question told me he valued our relationship and wanted to begin the next chapter without treating her family as an afterthought.
A father also has a responsibility during such a conversation. He shouldn't turn it into an interrogation, a loyalty test, or a chance to control his daughter's life. He should listen, offer honest counsel, and recognize that the final choice belongs to the couple.
Chivalry becomes insulting when it denies a woman's judgment; it remains honorable when it asks a man to show courage, courtesy, and commitment. Respect for a father doesn't require disrespect for a daughter.
So is asking a father's blessing old-fashioned?
Of course it is.
Plenty of old customs deserve burial because they protected injustice or denied freedom. Others survive because they still express gratitude, humility, and hope.
A proposal belongs to the couple, while a blessing belongs to the family.
There's plenty of room for both.
